I met them all on Wednesday.

I'm fairly certain that I'm going to meet the love of my life in New York. On Wednesdays I tend to meet  a new bloke that toots my horn. Here are 6.

Bloke # 1. The Century 21 manager who so kindly gave me his coffee when i was about to go narcoleptic on the subway and then so sweetly offered me a significant discount if I would visit him at the store he managed. Thank you. But I think we should ask your wife -- if your going on a date with me is a deal breaker for her.

Bloke # 2. The random guy who I talked with at 4am on the PATH platform -- small talk does not mean you can shove your tongue down my throat. I know you were a bit shocked that I pulled back, as you stated, "It's because I'm white, right?" It is not because you are white. It is because a lady such as myself needs to be properly courted, which did not happen during our 2 minute convo. And you were a bad bad kisser, like circa my first kiss in the 7th grade.

Bloke #3.  The fact that you have childhood pictures of you with Barbara Bush scares me and that's why I could not stay over. And you called me an ebony princess more than once. I consider myself mocha. And I only hook up with republicans in DC.


Bloke #4. I have not been with a white women in 10 years. [Me neither]

Bloke #5.  I want two boys, and however many babies it takes for me to get them. [I am not an easy bake oven]

Bloke #6.  I bought you three drinks, how many more until you're in my bed? [About 7. Then neither of us will remember what happened and only if you live in brooklyn and only if you're moving countries soon]

FWIW -- None of these lines worked, which is shocking because I've always wanted to be a token, who mass produces spawn, after a few happy hour drinks.

Mama Duke: will you be having gentlemen callers?

I can be pregnant or I can live in Jersey, but I cannot be pregnant and living in Jersey. So, I invoked my inner guidette, and gave her a "getthefuckouttahere" expression. Six months later - for the first time ever, I broke one of my rules, and began dating. I've had some glorious experiences that have helped me create some dating "if yous." So here were go.

If you...

give me an intersection to meet you at and not an actual place - I'm going to assume I'm starring on an episode of SVU and demand to talk to Olivia.

bring another girl on our date -  she better be picking up the check and you should be excusing yourself immediately for an "emergency." I can only entertain one pussy at a time.

offer to buy me a canoe - you need to purchase it immediately. Talk is cheap.

take me out in gang territory, while dressed like this - I will assume you like to get robbed and not feel guilty about the shots of Jameson I'm going to proceed to put on your tab.

ask me on a date while wearing a wedding ring - I will need your wife's permission for our field trip, a copy of your tax returns, access to your summer home, the last 4 digits of your social security #, and a map to your morals.

Please tell me I am not the only person that finds herself in these situations...

How not to have the worst sex of your life with the cheapest man you've ever met

If you like your man alpha and with cash - meet him on a Wednesday -  it's sports night and pay day.

Don't assume he speaks English. If the only phrases you've heard all night are "let me buy you a drink, don't get sick, and let's dance" it's safe to assume those are all the words he knows.

If he's in khakis on Friday or Saturday night, with his shirt tucked in (or if it's pastel) --  I PROMISE you it will be the worst sex/date of your life. Don't ask how I know this, I just do. Just back away slowly.

Everyone is a stranger, until they give you a compliment. So once you've exchanged names, twitter handles and subway stories - it's cool to roll back to his place. You're now best of friends.

...And He'll Never See It Coming.

This Is Why I'm Single: Installment 3

There's a moment when you're "dating" someone that you realize the relationship has an expiration date of something organic you purchased a week ago - if you're like me your first thought is to ignore whatever idiocy triggered this reaction, and you're next one is Mmm Hell No! I Need Out, But This <insert paltry rationale here> Is Too Good.

Confession # 1: I love keeping a secret - it's my natural Extasy surge.

Confession # 2:  I will not excuse my behavior, I do this because I'm annoyed that I now have to start the awkward dating process again, and I want some form of ROI for the effort I've put in. Thus, I am a repeat offender of "Surprise! That Was Goodbye Sex." I generally have a smirk and it's probably hotter and more passionate than anything that has brewed between us prior, after all, I want to leave a memorable imprint -- but I will never contact or respond to you ever again, I'll never explain why, and if I see you in my hood I'll look pass you.

Judge me.

...or write a comment below.

This Is Why I'm Single - Installment #2

Sometimes it's not them, but us. 

Yes, I said this:

[procreation]

Logical Person: Is there a possibility?? Whose would it be?

Me: I know it would be half black, half republican. The bigger question is, how would it vote?

[relationships]

Me: he picked me up wearing a red sox's hat, clearly we have different morals, so i refused to get in the car, i knew it never would have worked. 

Logical Person: but what if he took off the hat

Me: he did, but by that point he was tainted.

[dating]

Logical Person: just ask your friend for his number since he was so great.

Me: no because then she would know who I had sex with.

Another single said this:

[breakups]

Single:  "Well I was drunk and at the time his arguments seemed reasonable since I can't tell him the real reason I'm ending it is because the sex is so bad. So, we're still together."

[hooking up]

Single: WAKE YOUR DICK UP! WAKE YOUR DICK UP! (this is screamed @ 4am, outside of a guys apt)

Sometimes I look like this:

I just had to take time to acknowledge that while it's usually them, sometimes it is US. Enjoy the douche bag of the month story below!

 ***Douche Bag of the Month***

story via another single lady:

The most recent This Is Why I'm Single incident is from this guy who was def not the usual date i would choose...but I am attracted unfortunately to the asshole, so I thought a change of scenery was in order. These are a few things he thought necessary to say to me via text right after our date ended and he left --

date: i could've fucked you silly. sexy ass 

single: what a very rude and disrespectful comment for a first date 

And the one I got the morning after the first date  --

date: " wake that ass up, lol. good am. come out here later this am. want to show this bed." 

[[[[dating against your type can lead to this]]]]]

This Is Why I'm Single - Installment #1

I will begin a new addition to my blog - a weekly post demonstrating why I and millions of ladies are choosing to be single.


"Pick-Up Lines" from a variety of men.

Businessman in London - "Look at these pictures of my wife and my children. Aren't they beautiful? ....2 minutes later .... "You should come home with me, my wife is on holiday with the kids"

[Married men who cheat]

Homeless man 1 @ 9am -  "Lead me to the threesome"
Homeless man 2 @ 9am - "You ladies lookin' pretty in them dresses"

[Men with no homes, jobs, and missing teeth]

Random man at Wonderland- "I'll give you $1,000 for a night with her (her as in me. statement spoken to the random white guy sitting next to me).

[Men with no concept of reality.  I'm a college grad, only a $1,000?!?!  Come on -- I pay more in student loans per month]


Have a story, quote, picture - let me know - I'd love to post it next week!