Mama Duke: will you be having gentlemen callers?

I can be pregnant or I can live in Jersey, but I cannot be pregnant and living in Jersey. So, I invoked my inner guidette, and gave her a "getthefuckouttahere" expression. Six months later - for the first time ever, I broke one of my rules, and began dating. I've had some glorious experiences that have helped me create some dating "if yous." So here were go.

If you...

give me an intersection to meet you at and not an actual place - I'm going to assume I'm starring on an episode of SVU and demand to talk to Olivia.

bring another girl on our date -  she better be picking up the check and you should be excusing yourself immediately for an "emergency." I can only entertain one pussy at a time.

offer to buy me a canoe - you need to purchase it immediately. Talk is cheap.

take me out in gang territory, while dressed like this - I will assume you like to get robbed and not feel guilty about the shots of Jameson I'm going to proceed to put on your tab.

ask me on a date while wearing a wedding ring - I will need your wife's permission for our field trip, a copy of your tax returns, access to your summer home, the last 4 digits of your social security #, and a map to your morals.

Please tell me I am not the only person that finds herself in these situations...

This Toilet Paper Sucks

One of the few perks of being back in Jersey is that I get to witness my mom's amusing antics - which she takes very seriously. She believes in writing letters. I am told this one is about the principle. Posted below is a letter to a provider of toilet paper.

January 10, 2012

To Whom It May Concern:

Per a conversation with a customer service representative in November 2011, I am returning one of the toilet tissue rolls in order for you to see the defect. As I stated on the phone, the tissue came apart into pieces of dusty powder and was unusable.

I truly appreciate the attempt to rectify this issue by sending me coupons for non-individually wrapped toilet paper, but I prefer the individually wrapped tissue rolls. I always purchase them in bulk (33 rolls) from Costco. I prefer the individually wrapped tissue because I place them in a decorative tissue holder and thus find it more sanitary to have them covered. Although you sent me coupons for three 12 packs of tissue, I was unable to locate any that were individually wrapped in local stores. Then, to add insult to injury, the coupons did not cover the entire purchase. I ended up paying $3.57 over the coupons, in short, you sent me 36 complementary rolls but I had to pay out of pocket for 3 of them.

Recap:

1). I purchased the 33 rolls of toilet paper at Costco that were damaged for the amount of $28.99 plus tax.

2). I called the 1-800-835-7268 and reported my disappointment to a representative named Susan.

3) The representative apologized for my inconvenience and told me that she would send me coupons to make up for my dissatisfaction.

4). I received 3 coupons for the 12 packs of toilet paper and those were not packaged in the individually wrapped rolls.

5). I have 36 rolls of tissue that I cannot place in my tissue holder for easy access because it is unsanitary.

6). I had to pay an extra $3.57 to purchase the toilet paper using the coupons.

My question is - how did you really compensate me for purchasing 33 rolls of your product that were defective, considering I had to pay out of my pocket to cover the difference between the coupons and the actual cost. I am so frustrated that I even had to write this letter and more disappointed in your company that prides itself on customer satisfaction.

Please find attached the receipt and reference number.

Respectfully submitted,

Momma Duke

Disappointed Customer