Mama Duke: will you be having gentlemen callers?

I can be pregnant or I can live in Jersey, but I cannot be pregnant and living in Jersey. So, I invoked my inner guidette, and gave her a "getthefuckouttahere" expression. Six months later - for the first time ever, I broke one of my rules, and began dating. I've had some glorious experiences that have helped me create some dating "if yous." So here were go.

If you...

give me an intersection to meet you at and not an actual place - I'm going to assume I'm starring on an episode of SVU and demand to talk to Olivia.

bring another girl on our date -  she better be picking up the check and you should be excusing yourself immediately for an "emergency." I can only entertain one pussy at a time.

offer to buy me a canoe - you need to purchase it immediately. Talk is cheap.

take me out in gang territory, while dressed like this - I will assume you like to get robbed and not feel guilty about the shots of Jameson I'm going to proceed to put on your tab.

ask me on a date while wearing a wedding ring - I will need your wife's permission for our field trip, a copy of your tax returns, access to your summer home, the last 4 digits of your social security #, and a map to your morals.

Please tell me I am not the only person that finds herself in these situations...