Mama Duke: will you be having gentlemen callers?

I can be pregnant or I can live in Jersey, but I cannot be pregnant and living in Jersey. So, I invoked my inner guidette, and gave her a "getthefuckouttahere" expression. Six months later - for the first time ever, I broke one of my rules, and began dating. I've had some glorious experiences that have helped me create some dating "if yous." So here were go.

If you...

give me an intersection to meet you at and not an actual place - I'm going to assume I'm starring on an episode of SVU and demand to talk to Olivia.

bring another girl on our date -  she better be picking up the check and you should be excusing yourself immediately for an "emergency." I can only entertain one pussy at a time.

offer to buy me a canoe - you need to purchase it immediately. Talk is cheap.

take me out in gang territory, while dressed like this - I will assume you like to get robbed and not feel guilty about the shots of Jameson I'm going to proceed to put on your tab.

ask me on a date while wearing a wedding ring - I will need your wife's permission for our field trip, a copy of your tax returns, access to your summer home, the last 4 digits of your social security #, and a map to your morals.

Please tell me I am not the only person that finds herself in these situations...

How not to have the worst sex of your life with the cheapest man you've ever met

If you like your man alpha and with cash - meet him on a Wednesday -  it's sports night and pay day.

Don't assume he speaks English. If the only phrases you've heard all night are "let me buy you a drink, don't get sick, and let's dance" it's safe to assume those are all the words he knows.

If he's in khakis on Friday or Saturday night, with his shirt tucked in (or if it's pastel) --  I PROMISE you it will be the worst sex/date of your life. Don't ask how I know this, I just do. Just back away slowly.

Everyone is a stranger, until they give you a compliment. So once you've exchanged names, twitter handles and subway stories - it's cool to roll back to his place. You're now best of friends.

Spread your money all over your body

Rule # 27

If you get robbed and/or your wallet just disappears, you will have cash reserves in multiple locations on your body, which guarantees you can always get home (or to the next bar).

This Toilet Paper Sucks

One of the few perks of being back in Jersey is that I get to witness my mom's amusing antics - which she takes very seriously. She believes in writing letters. I am told this one is about the principle. Posted below is a letter to a provider of toilet paper.

January 10, 2012

To Whom It May Concern:

Per a conversation with a customer service representative in November 2011, I am returning one of the toilet tissue rolls in order for you to see the defect. As I stated on the phone, the tissue came apart into pieces of dusty powder and was unusable.

I truly appreciate the attempt to rectify this issue by sending me coupons for non-individually wrapped toilet paper, but I prefer the individually wrapped tissue rolls. I always purchase them in bulk (33 rolls) from Costco. I prefer the individually wrapped tissue because I place them in a decorative tissue holder and thus find it more sanitary to have them covered. Although you sent me coupons for three 12 packs of tissue, I was unable to locate any that were individually wrapped in local stores. Then, to add insult to injury, the coupons did not cover the entire purchase. I ended up paying $3.57 over the coupons, in short, you sent me 36 complementary rolls but I had to pay out of pocket for 3 of them.

Recap:

1). I purchased the 33 rolls of toilet paper at Costco that were damaged for the amount of $28.99 plus tax.

2). I called the 1-800-835-7268 and reported my disappointment to a representative named Susan.

3) The representative apologized for my inconvenience and told me that she would send me coupons to make up for my dissatisfaction.

4). I received 3 coupons for the 12 packs of toilet paper and those were not packaged in the individually wrapped rolls.

5). I have 36 rolls of tissue that I cannot place in my tissue holder for easy access because it is unsanitary.

6). I had to pay an extra $3.57 to purchase the toilet paper using the coupons.

My question is - how did you really compensate me for purchasing 33 rolls of your product that were defective, considering I had to pay out of my pocket to cover the difference between the coupons and the actual cost. I am so frustrated that I even had to write this letter and more disappointed in your company that prides itself on customer satisfaction.

Please find attached the receipt and reference number.

Respectfully submitted,

Momma Duke

Disappointed Customer

12 for 2012

One year my goal was to be 5'2" or 5'8" by the end of year. I reasoned that I would be short enough to date the guys who would never grow to be more than 5'5" + still wear heels or I would become too tall for munchkins to hit on me and if they did I could just peer down at them. In 2005, I wanted a boyfriend and that worked out even better than my height ambitions, just ask my best friends or look at my Xanga. At 23, I wanted to learn how to fly and did when I jumped out of a plane with a navy seal attached to my back. As for this year, I wish I could say my objectives have become more mature, but if 2011 has taught me anything, it's not to take life so seriously. So here we go...
12. Shhhh. I will learn to whisper. Some (cough nisha) say this is setting myself up for failure, but I'm sure there is a "how to" somewhere on the interwebs and other people do it...so how hard can it be?
11. Experience the rainbow. Well, more of it. I want my dating resume to resemble a United Color of Benetton ad, last year I wanted a Ginger (and I got one - I'm glad your wife turned out to be a lesbian, sir). This year I want: an Indian, a Russian, someone who knows sign language, and a midget. If I could find all of these wrapped in one that would be ideal.
10. Un-be-weaveable. In an effort to become more self-sufficient I will learn to to weave my own hair. Once I can do this, I can move anywhere in the world and always look fabulous. South of France anyone?
9. New years eve do-over. I want to dance and sweat and laugh and look good doing it. And I want my night to end with a doner kebab.
8. Kebab machine. I want my own. I hope they come with monthly meat deliveries.

7. BlogHer. I've been wanting to hit this up for a while - a conference for women who blog. Contributions to my cause are welcomed.
6. Yoga. I have a feeling this will probably undermine #5 on the list, but will assist me with #11.
5. Woopsies. I have a knack for finding the most random ways to accidentally inflict bodily harm - remember the cheese grater and my knee? I vow to lose this aforementioned talent.
4. Austin. Ever since I had an 8 hour layover in Texas on my way from DC to North Carolina I have been convinced it must have more to offer than the mullets I saw at the airport bar.
3. Idaho. I still have not gone potato digging and I need to go while I'm still agile enough to dig. Also, I believe this place houses mormons, which I've always wanted to play with.
2. Blow the dust off my passport. I have a lot more places to get lost in and several more foreign hotties to make memories with.
#1 Surprise myself. I haven't done this in forever. Here's to hoping I can still shock myself.