I met them all on Wednesday.

I'm fairly certain that I'm going to meet the love of my life in New York. On Wednesdays I tend to meet  a new bloke that toots my horn. Here are 6.

Bloke # 1. The Century 21 manager who so kindly gave me his coffee when i was about to go narcoleptic on the subway and then so sweetly offered me a significant discount if I would visit him at the store he managed. Thank you. But I think we should ask your wife -- if your going on a date with me is a deal breaker for her.

Bloke # 2. The random guy who I talked with at 4am on the PATH platform -- small talk does not mean you can shove your tongue down my throat. I know you were a bit shocked that I pulled back, as you stated, "It's because I'm white, right?" It is not because you are white. It is because a lady such as myself needs to be properly courted, which did not happen during our 2 minute convo. And you were a bad bad kisser, like circa my first kiss in the 7th grade.

Bloke #3.  The fact that you have childhood pictures of you with Barbara Bush scares me and that's why I could not stay over. And you called me an ebony princess more than once. I consider myself mocha. And I only hook up with republicans in DC.


Bloke #4. I have not been with a white women in 10 years. [Me neither]

Bloke #5.  I want two boys, and however many babies it takes for me to get them. [I am not an easy bake oven]

Bloke #6.  I bought you three drinks, how many more until you're in my bed? [About 7. Then neither of us will remember what happened and only if you live in brooklyn and only if you're moving countries soon]

FWIW -- None of these lines worked, which is shocking because I've always wanted to be a token, who mass produces spawn, after a few happy hour drinks.

How not to have the worst sex of your life with the cheapest man you've ever met

If you like your man alpha and with cash - meet him on a Wednesday -  it's sports night and pay day.

Don't assume he speaks English. If the only phrases you've heard all night are "let me buy you a drink, don't get sick, and let's dance" it's safe to assume those are all the words he knows.

If he's in khakis on Friday or Saturday night, with his shirt tucked in (or if it's pastel) --  I PROMISE you it will be the worst sex/date of your life. Don't ask how I know this, I just do. Just back away slowly.

Everyone is a stranger, until they give you a compliment. So once you've exchanged names, twitter handles and subway stories - it's cool to roll back to his place. You're now best of friends.

12 for 2012

One year my goal was to be 5'2" or 5'8" by the end of year. I reasoned that I would be short enough to date the guys who would never grow to be more than 5'5" + still wear heels or I would become too tall for munchkins to hit on me and if they did I could just peer down at them. In 2005, I wanted a boyfriend and that worked out even better than my height ambitions, just ask my best friends or look at my Xanga. At 23, I wanted to learn how to fly and did when I jumped out of a plane with a navy seal attached to my back. As for this year, I wish I could say my objectives have become more mature, but if 2011 has taught me anything, it's not to take life so seriously. So here we go...
12. Shhhh. I will learn to whisper. Some (cough nisha) say this is setting myself up for failure, but I'm sure there is a "how to" somewhere on the interwebs and other people do it...so how hard can it be?
11. Experience the rainbow. Well, more of it. I want my dating resume to resemble a United Color of Benetton ad, last year I wanted a Ginger (and I got one - I'm glad your wife turned out to be a lesbian, sir). This year I want: an Indian, a Russian, someone who knows sign language, and a midget. If I could find all of these wrapped in one that would be ideal.
10. Un-be-weaveable. In an effort to become more self-sufficient I will learn to to weave my own hair. Once I can do this, I can move anywhere in the world and always look fabulous. South of France anyone?
9. New years eve do-over. I want to dance and sweat and laugh and look good doing it. And I want my night to end with a doner kebab.
8. Kebab machine. I want my own. I hope they come with monthly meat deliveries.

7. BlogHer. I've been wanting to hit this up for a while - a conference for women who blog. Contributions to my cause are welcomed.
6. Yoga. I have a feeling this will probably undermine #5 on the list, but will assist me with #11.
5. Woopsies. I have a knack for finding the most random ways to accidentally inflict bodily harm - remember the cheese grater and my knee? I vow to lose this aforementioned talent.
4. Austin. Ever since I had an 8 hour layover in Texas on my way from DC to North Carolina I have been convinced it must have more to offer than the mullets I saw at the airport bar.
3. Idaho. I still have not gone potato digging and I need to go while I'm still agile enough to dig. Also, I believe this place houses mormons, which I've always wanted to play with.
2. Blow the dust off my passport. I have a lot more places to get lost in and several more foreign hotties to make memories with.
#1 Surprise myself. I haven't done this in forever. Here's to hoping I can still shock myself.

i am. who i am. i think.

Three months into my layover at momma duke's house and the thought of going out in nyc by myself has me more nervous than the night I lost my virginity - and that involved strawberry daiquiris, a very hot Filirican, and the "I'll try anything once" motto.

How could I be nervous?!@#! Me intimidated.

I've gone on a cruise by myself to another country where I could easily have become the next chic in sexual slavery. I've eaten pop rocks and coca cola at the same time. I lived in the hood where 8am cat calls are normal and cops are suspect. I've said Candy Man 3x in the mirror. I flirted with the creepy crackhead outside the liquor store to get a handle when I was not of proper age in this country (but plenty of others). I've removed 10 stitches from my own knee based on a youtube video. I've worn a tutu with a top that says "not everything is flat in kansas" to an indian themed party. (ok. yes. although irrelevant, i still wanted to mention it because that outfit was a HIT!)

How could one move change my boisterous nature? 2 Words: Momma Gwen. And the solution was obvious - several shots of Jamie, one train ticket, a dive bar later, and I was back to feeling like me.

All is well in the world.

Under-construction

 something clever here. soon.

How to Identify a Prostitute

There are 3 ways to identify a prostitute:

1. A woman is at a bar with friends, has a few drinks, and uses the bathroom.
2. A woman is standing on the corner and has more than 3 condoms in her purse.
3. A woman tells you, this is going to cost you.

Footnote 1: Special thanks to the bouncer at Rocket Bar who called me a whore and a prostitute for using the male bathroom. Even bigger thanks for kicking me out and yelling while I left that I was a whore repeatedly.  Lastly, major thanks to management for doing nothing after my complaint. Classy establishment.

Footnote 2: Oh, DC - 3 condoms and no destination

Footnote 3: At least she was honest.

This is a real conversation.

#1 This is a real email thread.

#2 This conversation may be offensive.

#3 Names have been changed for obvious reasons.

From: LemonLime
To: JewBear, WhispersLoud
Date: Wed, May 19, 2010 at 4:26 PM

Subject: You two have to meet and fall in love!

JewBear this is WhispersLoud she wants to have half Jew and half Black babies with spanish/muslim/jewish names.  Also she loved the pic of you in the pope outfit.

WhispersLoud this is JewBear you will love him forever!

On Thu, May 20, 2010 at 12:56 AM,  JewBear wrote:
Due to my epic hatred of children, might we compromise and settle on a half Jew/half Black abortion? That's something I can totally sign on to, without even having ever exchanged a word with WhispersLoud. Speaking of, hi WhispersLoud. I think this is going really well so far.

On Thu, May 20, 2010 at 12:58 AM, LemonLime wrote:
YOU TWO LOVE EACH OTHER AND ARE GETTING MARRIED ALREADY!

On Fri May 21, 2010 at 1:08 AM, WhsipersLoud wrote:
Deal, but i still want to have cluster fuck names passed on. I think the least LemonLime can do is give us an abortion gift certificate, they sell them right next to the chicken nuggets (aisle 3)


On Fri, May 21, 2010 at 1:48 AM, JewBear wrote:
How about we get a bunch of dogs and fuck them up as children, by giving them ethnically and culturally confusing/conflicting names, leading them to have troubled adulthoods. The great things with dogs is that you don't have to pay for college, which is a real plus for me, what with my commitment to Judaism. I guess we could also avoid paying for college by having a whole litter of mentally disabled children.

I'm game for either of these scenarios, really.

- 'Jew Bear'
 
On Sat, May 22, 2010 at 7:35 AM, WhispersLoud wrote:

I'm all for the dog idea, except for the small problem of my hatred towards dogs (which is closely akin to my hatred towards children). Thus, the only way we could have a "personified litter of mongrels with ethnic names" is if we keep them in the yard, tied up next to the barbecue pit and Olympic sized pool that I would require, directly adjacent to the full-time keg dispenser/bar complete with semi-nude half black/half jewish pool boy/bartender that answers to the name 'Channing Tatum'. 

I'm also not one to provide for college in the future, since personal experience has led me to no longer believe in the value of college.  Instead, I'm willing to fork over 20 bucks to buy our half black/half jewish (or possibly asian) daughter a skimpy sequence skirt from a bargain bin so she can begin her life as a classy escort.  Her levels of disposable income will far surmount that of a job which a college degree will get you, which in turn will allow for her to care for us in our old and senile stages of life.  If that plan fails, we can adopt an autistic child that is half native american and full gay, which will guarantee free tuition to any college of his choice.  I hear autistic kids are brilliant, so hopefully he can build us an island for free.  And since he's gay, maybe he'll be willing to still go with the $20 sequence skirt idea.

-WhispersLoud

From: JewBear 
To: LemonLime, WhispersLoud
Date: Sun, May 22, 2010 at 10:10 PM
Subject: Re: You two have to meet and fall in love!

As soon as I have the comedic wherewithal to pen something that even remotely matches WhispersLoud's last rambling screed, I shall send it right along.

I must say, though, it was sufficiently amazing where my balls are now soaking wet.

LemonLime, I now wish to move to Utah and marry both WhispersLoud and Stella Ma and have the most offensive, polygamously-raised, multi-ethnic children ever.

Also, LemonLime you should move to San Francisco where will take up a career shaving shapes into my torso hair, professionally; WhispersLoud, you too should move to SF, as I'll need help raising our gay, disabled-yet-multi-talented abortion.

-Jew bear