It's a Conspiracy.

Rule #23

Dresses with a zipper in the back are for people in relationships or people who continuously have a one-night stand that can zip them up in the morning.  If you can't pull it up or rip it off without contorting your body like a gymnast, don't buy it.

This is a real conversation.

#1 This is a real email thread.

#2 This conversation may be offensive.

#3 Names have been changed for obvious reasons.

From: LemonLime
To: JewBear, WhispersLoud
Date: Wed, May 19, 2010 at 4:26 PM

Subject: You two have to meet and fall in love!

JewBear this is WhispersLoud she wants to have half Jew and half Black babies with spanish/muslim/jewish names.  Also she loved the pic of you in the pope outfit.

WhispersLoud this is JewBear you will love him forever!

On Thu, May 20, 2010 at 12:56 AM,  JewBear wrote:
Due to my epic hatred of children, might we compromise and settle on a half Jew/half Black abortion? That's something I can totally sign on to, without even having ever exchanged a word with WhispersLoud. Speaking of, hi WhispersLoud. I think this is going really well so far.

On Thu, May 20, 2010 at 12:58 AM, LemonLime wrote:
YOU TWO LOVE EACH OTHER AND ARE GETTING MARRIED ALREADY!

On Fri May 21, 2010 at 1:08 AM, WhsipersLoud wrote:
Deal, but i still want to have cluster fuck names passed on. I think the least LemonLime can do is give us an abortion gift certificate, they sell them right next to the chicken nuggets (aisle 3)


On Fri, May 21, 2010 at 1:48 AM, JewBear wrote:
How about we get a bunch of dogs and fuck them up as children, by giving them ethnically and culturally confusing/conflicting names, leading them to have troubled adulthoods. The great things with dogs is that you don't have to pay for college, which is a real plus for me, what with my commitment to Judaism. I guess we could also avoid paying for college by having a whole litter of mentally disabled children.

I'm game for either of these scenarios, really.

- 'Jew Bear'
 
On Sat, May 22, 2010 at 7:35 AM, WhispersLoud wrote:

I'm all for the dog idea, except for the small problem of my hatred towards dogs (which is closely akin to my hatred towards children). Thus, the only way we could have a "personified litter of mongrels with ethnic names" is if we keep them in the yard, tied up next to the barbecue pit and Olympic sized pool that I would require, directly adjacent to the full-time keg dispenser/bar complete with semi-nude half black/half jewish pool boy/bartender that answers to the name 'Channing Tatum'. 

I'm also not one to provide for college in the future, since personal experience has led me to no longer believe in the value of college.  Instead, I'm willing to fork over 20 bucks to buy our half black/half jewish (or possibly asian) daughter a skimpy sequence skirt from a bargain bin so she can begin her life as a classy escort.  Her levels of disposable income will far surmount that of a job which a college degree will get you, which in turn will allow for her to care for us in our old and senile stages of life.  If that plan fails, we can adopt an autistic child that is half native american and full gay, which will guarantee free tuition to any college of his choice.  I hear autistic kids are brilliant, so hopefully he can build us an island for free.  And since he's gay, maybe he'll be willing to still go with the $20 sequence skirt idea.

-WhispersLoud

From: JewBear 
To: LemonLime, WhispersLoud
Date: Sun, May 22, 2010 at 10:10 PM
Subject: Re: You two have to meet and fall in love!

As soon as I have the comedic wherewithal to pen something that even remotely matches WhispersLoud's last rambling screed, I shall send it right along.

I must say, though, it was sufficiently amazing where my balls are now soaking wet.

LemonLime, I now wish to move to Utah and marry both WhispersLoud and Stella Ma and have the most offensive, polygamously-raised, multi-ethnic children ever.

Also, LemonLime you should move to San Francisco where will take up a career shaving shapes into my torso hair, professionally; WhispersLoud, you too should move to SF, as I'll need help raising our gay, disabled-yet-multi-talented abortion.

-Jew bear

This Is Why I'm Single - Installment #2

Sometimes it's not them, but us. 

Yes, I said this:

[procreation]

Logical Person: Is there a possibility?? Whose would it be?

Me: I know it would be half black, half republican. The bigger question is, how would it vote?

[relationships]

Me: he picked me up wearing a red sox's hat, clearly we have different morals, so i refused to get in the car, i knew it never would have worked. 

Logical Person: but what if he took off the hat

Me: he did, but by that point he was tainted.

[dating]

Logical Person: just ask your friend for his number since he was so great.

Me: no because then she would know who I had sex with.

Another single said this:

[breakups]

Single:  "Well I was drunk and at the time his arguments seemed reasonable since I can't tell him the real reason I'm ending it is because the sex is so bad. So, we're still together."

[hooking up]

Single: WAKE YOUR DICK UP! WAKE YOUR DICK UP! (this is screamed @ 4am, outside of a guys apt)

Sometimes I look like this:

I just had to take time to acknowledge that while it's usually them, sometimes it is US. Enjoy the douche bag of the month story below!

 ***Douche Bag of the Month***

story via another single lady:

The most recent This Is Why I'm Single incident is from this guy who was def not the usual date i would choose...but I am attracted unfortunately to the asshole, so I thought a change of scenery was in order. These are a few things he thought necessary to say to me via text right after our date ended and he left --

date: i could've fucked you silly. sexy ass 

single: what a very rude and disrespectful comment for a first date 

And the one I got the morning after the first date  --

date: " wake that ass up, lol. good am. come out here later this am. want to show this bed." 

[[[[dating against your type can lead to this]]]]]

Call A Spade, A Spade

Rule # 22

If you can flood the ocean from your tears, but can't remember the last time you've smiled - cut the umbilical cord and move on.

Honestly Speaking

Another new weekly addition:

I have been told continually to be thankful that I missed the pitfalls of being a [young] [black] [woman]. Meaning that I didn't validate a stereotype: not a teenage parent, not a high school or college dropout, not a drug addict, not dead or in jail. To think about how far I've come from where I started: graduated college, lived abroad, traveled through Europe, apartment of my own. And what I think is, why should I be grateful for what I've earned, for everything that I fought not to be. Why should I be grateful for the minimum.

Do I hold myself to standards that seem impossible based on where I've come from, maybe. Yet to define myself on where I've started, instead of where I want to be, seems to be defining my milestones based on what others think I can achieve. It feels like I'm undermining the concept that hard work and determination can lead to great things. It seems inhibiting, demeaning, like the achievements that people stop dreaming about because they limit themselves to only what they think they can accomplish based on where they have been. It's living in the past, when the future is the only thing I have the power to effect.

I look at progress based on where I should be and where my peers are regardless of my race, gender or class. [should] operative word - perhaps a bit idealistically.  I know after much reflection that the reason I didn't hit the pitfalls is because I was paddling so hard to achieve something else, not by chance or luck.  It's this same ideal, that made me view taking a chance as the way, because the chance didn't seem like an option, but the only method to get what I wanted, while friends of mine looked at me as if my course of action was  certifiably nuts. Yet, to me it seemed the most logical route.

I guess what I'm saying is -- if I defined myself based on what people tell me to be grateful for or begin to look at everything from somebody else's perspective - then I fear I would never actually achieve what I want, because it's that same perspective, that validates being stuck in mediocrity, that can justify failure as a result of circumstances with or within your control: your childhood, your income, your family. Am I being hard on myself, probably. Could this be self-destructive, perhaps. Yet I think to myself, my mentality could push me to achieve beyond what I've ever fathomed, because I continue to see the world as if I'm an equal to everyone else, and strategically try to determine why peers or mentors have achieved more. More so, because I refuse to see the world in a way in which its gaze demonstrates that my indefatigable ideas should be tamed and that I should look for what is comfortable, convenient or more "realistic."

I'll admit it - I get disappointed when it seems that hard work doesn't actually mean I won't end up exactly where I don't want to be [as in where I sit right now], particularly in a world where you can continually prove yourself but not progress merely on the wimps of others. At this very moment, I refuse to accept that I should be thankful for my current situation because it could be worst and refuse to dwell on it and become bitter in the same breathe because it should be better. [the end]

In case you don't know by now

A few tidbits about this blogher.

Patience is not one of my virtues. Unless, you're a mentally challenged person and thus you comprehend differently, but if this is not the case -  I have a low tolerance for bullshit of any kind.

My face says exactly what I'm thinking - unless I need a poker face ie dealing with the cops or the president. If  I look happy then don't worry. If it's a "wtf" look then change your behavior.

I love my birthday, it's the best day of the entire year - the only day that's absolutely about me and spending it with people I love. I always rock-out on October 30th. If you miss the party - then you've probably missed some memorable moments.

I always have a plan, if I've said something or done something, it's never an accident (unless it's a physical response). There's a method to my madness.

 Lastly, I firmly believe, if there's no body, there's no murder. Be careful who you cross.

Thanks for listening. Please check one of the reactions at the bottom of this post.

This Is Why I'm Single - Installment #1

I will begin a new addition to my blog - a weekly post demonstrating why I and millions of ladies are choosing to be single.


"Pick-Up Lines" from a variety of men.

Businessman in London - "Look at these pictures of my wife and my children. Aren't they beautiful? ....2 minutes later .... "You should come home with me, my wife is on holiday with the kids"

[Married men who cheat]

Homeless man 1 @ 9am -  "Lead me to the threesome"
Homeless man 2 @ 9am - "You ladies lookin' pretty in them dresses"

[Men with no homes, jobs, and missing teeth]

Random man at Wonderland- "I'll give you $1,000 for a night with her (her as in me. statement spoken to the random white guy sitting next to me).

[Men with no concept of reality.  I'm a college grad, only a $1,000?!?!  Come on -- I pay more in student loans per month]


Have a story, quote, picture - let me know - I'd love to post it next week!

toothpaste good. halitosis bad.

Rule #21

love is blind not smell resistant. cleanse your mouth before puckering up to avoid a reverse dutch oven.

Where is Flow?

Rule #20

Six Flags, Kings Dominion, Walt Disney World --  all warn you not to go on rides when you're with child. Take advantage of this, if you're in that gray area. Gravity is your friend!

mix - it - up

Rule # 19

Don't date someone of the same ethnic background as the last person that broke your heart. You have to experience all of the rainbow. 

I want what I want, when i want it

Rule #18

There is no such thing as "compromising" in a relationship. Compromise is just code for I lose out. And I don't like to lose.

Need a pet?

Rule #17

Get a fish. They are beautiful and silent, the way most things should be. Everything else is high maintenance, if I wanted all the extra work I would get a boyfriend, not a dog.

You Gotta Be In It - To Win It

Rule #16

Single? Bored? Looking for a new "friend"? Don't stay in on the weekend, that does not help team you. Sometime sacrifices must be made - this time in the form of looking good and socializing.

You Are Not The Father

Rule #15

Don't get frisky with guys of the same ethnic background simultaneously, then you can always pin the tale on the donkey.

It Never Happened

Rules #14

If there are no pictures, videotape, or voicemails  - you don't need to deny it, because it never happened.

And text messages don't count - people steal phones all the time.

If It Happened Once, It Can Happen Again

Rule #13

Don't date men with a child (or children), unless you are ready to have some. If one of those suckers got through before, I'm sure they can again, just look at the track record.

Don't be a cock-blocker

Rule #12


We're not old or dead yet, there is no reason stop a friend from getting their swerve on. 

It doesn't matter if it's a crazy ex (the sex was probably HOTT), a random guy from the bar (he could turn out to be the love of her life), or your second cousin who you to used to play doctor with (creativity is a plus in the bedroom). 

Also, if you have time to cock-block, you're probably not on your A game and should work that out. 

Sewer Water

Rule # 11

 = Soup. Never eat something if you cant identify what's in it, especially in liquid form. Gro - osss

Safety First

Rule #10

Always keep spare condoms under the bathroom sink in case of a fire in your bedroom.

When I Say Shotgun, You Say Wedding

Rule #9

If you get married, there are only 3 reason to  change your name.

1. It's 4 characters or less. Ex. Hafeezah Abdullah-Chiu

2. It's confuses people about your ethnic/cultural background. Ex. Hafeezah Kalowinski

3. It's influential. Ex: Hafeezah Obama

If it's not one of the above -- forgetaboutit.

Who Needs GoogleMaps, When You Have a Plan B

Rule # 8

Lost??  Think-- impromptu pub/restaurant/bar crawl until you find your destination. A couple of quick shots (or stiff drinks) will guarantee your unplanned detour is not a waste of time.

Caution: Drivers this is a no-go, passengers it's a must!

Hungry? I Think Not.

Rule # 7

If you eat halfway through the day, you should not be hungry for the rest of the day. A meal a day keeps the doctor away.

dont date where you make your living

Rule # 6

....but if you must, only date interns or other people with high turnover rates - think temps, mailman, movers.

Exception 1a. If it's their goodbye party, technically you no longer work together, so all bets are off!

Modern Feng Shui

Rule # 5

If you drop a penny don't pick it up - someone will think they're lucky when they find it ---  this is a cheap and effective way of increasing your positive karma.

Name Your Roster

Rule #4 

Somethings should be kept private. It is unnecessary for anyone to know the name of a person you're seeing unless it's a serious committed relationship. The world is too small. Everyone should have a code name.

Names should be indicative of one of the following:

Describe them physically. (Dirk) (Mr.T)

Identify activities performed with them. (Blackout) (Woodchips)

Indicate how you honestly feel about them. (Dead End) (Don't Answer)

Indicate initial rendezvous. (Airport Boy) (Stars and Stripes)

If you're having trouble thinking of one - feel free to contact me - I have lots of experience.

A Girl Scout Knows To Always Be Prepared

Rule #3a

Own at least 2 flasks - it is likely that you will lose one along the way.

Rule #3b

Never leave home without a full flask - you never know where the day might take you.

Side Note 1
To make a flask more snazzy -- get it engraved and fill it with wine or champagne.


Side Note 2
Drinking from a flask is a conversation starter - people will try to immediately converse - great at a social networking event, a party, bar or bathroom.

It's My World

Rule #2

There are only 3 reason to cry:

1. Death
2. Under the influence
3. I broke up with you

If it is not one of the above - you probably need to just get a grip.

Everyone has their rules...here are some of mine

Rule #1

Never date someone that is your same complexion, you don't look good in photos together.

stay tuned .. every week I'll feature a new one.

Is this 2010 or 2001?

Optimism has ceased. 2010 is way too reminiscent of 2001. Interesting how the last 2 digits are inverted.


Let me explain.


2001 - I fell running to the school bus, scar on my right knee.

2010 - I fall walking during snowpocolapyse from a bar, gaining a scar on my right knee.


Link: not just the scar, but that I was leaving/heading to a place where many life lessons have been learned. The Bar / High School - places where one finds out who the really are and what they are made of. Cruel Intentions, anyone???


2001- All the guys I dated name's end in the letter O.

2010- I have dated 0 (zero) people who are not already nicknamed.


Link: The circular shape and the connection to my love life. Think about it, people give circular shaped jewelery aka engagement rings as a symbol of trust and a promise. In this case the promise is that 2010 will be a continuation of 2001, which entrusts that I will be equally irate by the end of the year.


2001 - Trip to Spain cancelled because of 9/11 and paranoid parents.

2010 - Trip to Japan cancelled because I only have $9.11 in my savings and I am paranoid of rats being in my apartment when I return.


Link: Cancellation based on paranoia.


I'm not sure who I need to talk to straighten this mess out, but 2001 should not be repeated. Maybe 2003 - a chance to repeat frosh year mistakes. Or 1996 - we had all those days snow days. Or perhaps even 1985 - when I was still in the womb, with a rent free spot.


On a positive note, if my 2010 deja vu continues, it means that I will have a lot of first this year as 2001 was full of novices, mostly involving the opposite sex. (and yes i realize the irony of having new experiences and deja vu simultaneously). But let's make a toast - to me making my first million - or me having a midget encounter Chelsea Handler style, either one is fine. Both will make my memoir more interesting.


BradBauman of the SF has requested a shot-out on my illustrious page! If anyone else would like to be mentioned, please let me know.

update in progress

Optimism

new year. more experiences. can't wait.

2010 is going to be a year to remember
i can feel it