Authentically Shitty Situtation

A.S.S. #1: Jobs

After 5 rounds of interviews including a 20 page written test, a piece of your soul and a pay cut, you've agreed to accept the job.  You start and you've realized that your position has changed from Communications Manager to Receptionist/Accountant/Security Guard. But you roll with with it, there probably was a typo on the job description and your offer letter. At least the new gig has awesome benefits. After all you were told you have 15 vacation days, but will soon discover you have 7 and they can only be used in February or September, and you cannot take consecutive days off or odd number days. Also, in the event that you leave the organization, you will not be paid out for unused vacation, which technically violates DC law, but who follows that. 

Per the employee handbook you believe your work day starts at 9:30am, but are soon informed that you need to be in at 7am as your boss is a morning person and you cannot leave for 12 hours because it's important that your salary equals about $8.50/hr after taxes. At least you get an hour reprieve for lunch or so you think. Although you technically have an hour, you can only take 30 minutes and if you wish to eat lunch with a coworker (or anyone else) it must be approved in advance by your supervisor. If you cannot find your supervisor to obtain approval, then you cannot eat lunch off-site. Cheer-up, you never bring a lunch, so think of all the calories and money you will save.

As in most work environments, you will need a computer,  a phone and a desk to complete your job. All of which will be provided after your first year of work, until then you must provide your own. However, this job does have a few perks not mentioned in your employee handbook: a gotcha sandwich, a headache, and non-existent medical benefits.

A.S.S. #2: Landlords

You gave a rental deposit for an apartment. And you expected the landlord would return the complete deposit when you vacated the apartment, as long as it was in the same condition as when you moved in. Will this happen? No, because the landlord being the little worm that is he is will try to swindle you out of a significant portion for no other reason than he can.  It will take 3 rounds of nasty emails, holy water, citing the signed contract, and a rabbit's foot, before the landlord agrees to give back what was already yours.

A.S.S. Enablers:

I've come to the conclusion that the people that create these situations fall into 3 categories: old and bitter, young and spiteful, or delusional. Please do the world a favor -- see a therapist or go into isolation. Everyone should not have to pay for your hangups. Mostly, stop doing the shitty thing simply because it's within your power. Just do the right thing.

How to Identify a Prostitute

There are 3 ways to identify a prostitute:

1. A woman is at a bar with friends, has a few drinks, and uses the bathroom.
2. A woman is standing on the corner and has more than 3 condoms in her purse.
3. A woman tells you, this is going to cost you.

Footnote 1: Special thanks to the bouncer at Rocket Bar who called me a whore and a prostitute for using the male bathroom. Even bigger thanks for kicking me out and yelling while I left that I was a whore repeatedly.  Lastly, major thanks to management for doing nothing after my complaint. Classy establishment.

Footnote 2: Oh, DC - 3 condoms and no destination

Footnote 3: At least she was honest.

Seek And You Shall Find

Rule #26

If he's flirting while you're looking, then he's fuckin' when you're not.

...And He'll Never See It Coming.

This Is Why I'm Single: Installment 3

There's a moment when you're "dating" someone that you realize the relationship has an expiration date of something organic you purchased a week ago - if you're like me your first thought is to ignore whatever idiocy triggered this reaction, and you're next one is Mmm Hell No! I Need Out, But This <insert paltry rationale here> Is Too Good.

Confession # 1: I love keeping a secret - it's my natural Extasy surge.

Confession # 2:  I will not excuse my behavior, I do this because I'm annoyed that I now have to start the awkward dating process again, and I want some form of ROI for the effort I've put in. Thus, I am a repeat offender of "Surprise! That Was Goodbye Sex." I generally have a smirk and it's probably hotter and more passionate than anything that has brewed between us prior, after all, I want to leave a memorable imprint -- but I will never contact or respond to you ever again, I'll never explain why, and if I see you in my hood I'll look pass you.

Judge me.

...or write a comment below.