It's a Conspiracy.

Rule #23

Dresses with a zipper in the back are for people in relationships or people who continuously have a one-night stand that can zip them up in the morning.  If you can't pull it up or rip it off without contorting your body like a gymnast, don't buy it.

This is a real conversation.

#1 This is a real email thread.

#2 This conversation may be offensive.

#3 Names have been changed for obvious reasons.

From: LemonLime
To: JewBear, WhispersLoud
Date: Wed, May 19, 2010 at 4:26 PM

Subject: You two have to meet and fall in love!

JewBear this is WhispersLoud she wants to have half Jew and half Black babies with spanish/muslim/jewish names.  Also she loved the pic of you in the pope outfit.

WhispersLoud this is JewBear you will love him forever!

On Thu, May 20, 2010 at 12:56 AM,  JewBear wrote:
Due to my epic hatred of children, might we compromise and settle on a half Jew/half Black abortion? That's something I can totally sign on to, without even having ever exchanged a word with WhispersLoud. Speaking of, hi WhispersLoud. I think this is going really well so far.

On Thu, May 20, 2010 at 12:58 AM, LemonLime wrote:
YOU TWO LOVE EACH OTHER AND ARE GETTING MARRIED ALREADY!

On Fri May 21, 2010 at 1:08 AM, WhsipersLoud wrote:
Deal, but i still want to have cluster fuck names passed on. I think the least LemonLime can do is give us an abortion gift certificate, they sell them right next to the chicken nuggets (aisle 3)


On Fri, May 21, 2010 at 1:48 AM, JewBear wrote:
How about we get a bunch of dogs and fuck them up as children, by giving them ethnically and culturally confusing/conflicting names, leading them to have troubled adulthoods. The great things with dogs is that you don't have to pay for college, which is a real plus for me, what with my commitment to Judaism. I guess we could also avoid paying for college by having a whole litter of mentally disabled children.

I'm game for either of these scenarios, really.

- 'Jew Bear'
 
On Sat, May 22, 2010 at 7:35 AM, WhispersLoud wrote:

I'm all for the dog idea, except for the small problem of my hatred towards dogs (which is closely akin to my hatred towards children). Thus, the only way we could have a "personified litter of mongrels with ethnic names" is if we keep them in the yard, tied up next to the barbecue pit and Olympic sized pool that I would require, directly adjacent to the full-time keg dispenser/bar complete with semi-nude half black/half jewish pool boy/bartender that answers to the name 'Channing Tatum'. 

I'm also not one to provide for college in the future, since personal experience has led me to no longer believe in the value of college.  Instead, I'm willing to fork over 20 bucks to buy our half black/half jewish (or possibly asian) daughter a skimpy sequence skirt from a bargain bin so she can begin her life as a classy escort.  Her levels of disposable income will far surmount that of a job which a college degree will get you, which in turn will allow for her to care for us in our old and senile stages of life.  If that plan fails, we can adopt an autistic child that is half native american and full gay, which will guarantee free tuition to any college of his choice.  I hear autistic kids are brilliant, so hopefully he can build us an island for free.  And since he's gay, maybe he'll be willing to still go with the $20 sequence skirt idea.

-WhispersLoud

From: JewBear 
To: LemonLime, WhispersLoud
Date: Sun, May 22, 2010 at 10:10 PM
Subject: Re: You two have to meet and fall in love!

As soon as I have the comedic wherewithal to pen something that even remotely matches WhispersLoud's last rambling screed, I shall send it right along.

I must say, though, it was sufficiently amazing where my balls are now soaking wet.

LemonLime, I now wish to move to Utah and marry both WhispersLoud and Stella Ma and have the most offensive, polygamously-raised, multi-ethnic children ever.

Also, LemonLime you should move to San Francisco where will take up a career shaving shapes into my torso hair, professionally; WhispersLoud, you too should move to SF, as I'll need help raising our gay, disabled-yet-multi-talented abortion.

-Jew bear

This Is Why I'm Single - Installment #2

Sometimes it's not them, but us. 

Yes, I said this:

[procreation]

Logical Person: Is there a possibility?? Whose would it be?

Me: I know it would be half black, half republican. The bigger question is, how would it vote?

[relationships]

Me: he picked me up wearing a red sox's hat, clearly we have different morals, so i refused to get in the car, i knew it never would have worked. 

Logical Person: but what if he took off the hat

Me: he did, but by that point he was tainted.

[dating]

Logical Person: just ask your friend for his number since he was so great.

Me: no because then she would know who I had sex with.

Another single said this:

[breakups]

Single:  "Well I was drunk and at the time his arguments seemed reasonable since I can't tell him the real reason I'm ending it is because the sex is so bad. So, we're still together."

[hooking up]

Single: WAKE YOUR DICK UP! WAKE YOUR DICK UP! (this is screamed @ 4am, outside of a guys apt)

Sometimes I look like this:

I just had to take time to acknowledge that while it's usually them, sometimes it is US. Enjoy the douche bag of the month story below!

 ***Douche Bag of the Month***

story via another single lady:

The most recent This Is Why I'm Single incident is from this guy who was def not the usual date i would choose...but I am attracted unfortunately to the asshole, so I thought a change of scenery was in order. These are a few things he thought necessary to say to me via text right after our date ended and he left --

date: i could've fucked you silly. sexy ass 

single: what a very rude and disrespectful comment for a first date 

And the one I got the morning after the first date  --

date: " wake that ass up, lol. good am. come out here later this am. want to show this bed." 

[[[[dating against your type can lead to this]]]]]

Call A Spade, A Spade

Rule # 22

If you can flood the ocean from your tears, but can't remember the last time you've smiled - cut the umbilical cord and move on.