Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Toothless at 26.
Loosing your tooth at 4 = YAY. Loosing your tooth at 26 = WTF. As an adult I've discovered the Tooth Fairy is a real b*tch when you grow up. She no longer leaves money under your pillow, which I'll forgive, considering I made-out like a bandit during elementary school. But given my attachment to my front tooth, I would have settled for a new tooth or dental insurance under my pillow. After all, I lost the tooth in a manner that paid homage to all Tooth Fairies- while smiling and going into a split. And to my dismay no new tooth has appeared. And I realized for the rest of my adult life I would have to laugh like this...
At least with my new laugh, no one will ever be able to tell if food is left in my remaining teeth.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
i am. who i am. i think.
Three months into my layover at momma duke's house and the thought of going out in nyc by myself has me more nervous than the night I lost my virginity - and that involved strawberry daiquiris, a very hot Filirican, and the "I'll try anything once" motto.
How could I be nervous?!@#! Me intimidated.
I've gone on a cruise by myself to another country where I could easily have become the next chic in sexual slavery. I've eaten pop rocks and coca cola at the same time. I lived in the hood where 8am cat calls are normal and cops are suspect. I've said Candy Man 3x in the mirror. I flirted with the creepy crackhead outside the liquor store to get a handle when I was not of proper age in this country (but plenty of others). I've removed 10 stitches from my own knee based on a youtube video. I've worn a tutu with a top that says "not everything is flat in kansas" to an indian themed party. (ok. yes. although irrelevant, i still wanted to mention it because that outfit was a HIT!)
How could one move change my boisterous nature? 2 Words: Momma Gwen. And the solution was obvious - several shots of Jamie, one train ticket, a dive bar later, and I was back to feeling like me.
How could I be nervous?!@#! Me intimidated.
I've gone on a cruise by myself to another country where I could easily have become the next chic in sexual slavery. I've eaten pop rocks and coca cola at the same time. I lived in the hood where 8am cat calls are normal and cops are suspect. I've said Candy Man 3x in the mirror. I flirted with the creepy crackhead outside the liquor store to get a handle when I was not of proper age in this country (but plenty of others). I've removed 10 stitches from my own knee based on a youtube video. I've worn a tutu with a top that says "not everything is flat in kansas" to an indian themed party. (ok. yes. although irrelevant, i still wanted to mention it because that outfit was a HIT!)
How could one move change my boisterous nature? 2 Words: Momma Gwen. And the solution was obvious - several shots of Jamie, one train ticket, a dive bar later, and I was back to feeling like me.
All is well in the world.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Authentically Shitty Situtation
A.S.S. #1: Jobs
After 5 rounds of interviews including a 20 page written test, a piece of your soul and a pay cut, you've agreed to accept the job. You start and you've realized that your position has changed from Communications Manager to Receptionist/Accountant/Security Guard. But you roll with with it, there probably was a typo on the job description and your offer letter. At least the new gig has awesome benefits. After all you were told you have 15 vacation days, but will soon discover you have 7 and they can only be used in February or September, and you cannot take consecutive days off or odd number days. Also, in the event that you leave the organization, you will not be paid out for unused vacation, which technically violates DC law, but who follows that.
Per the employee handbook you believe your work day starts at 9:30am, but are soon informed that you need to be in at 7am as your boss is a morning person and you cannot leave for 12 hours because it's important that your salary equals about $8.50/hr after taxes. At least you get an hour reprieve for lunch or so you think. Although you technically have an hour, you can only take 30 minutes and if you wish to eat lunch with a coworker (or anyone else) it must be approved in advance by your supervisor. If you cannot find your supervisor to obtain approval, then you cannot eat lunch off-site. Cheer-up, you never bring a lunch, so think of all the calories and money you will save.
As in most work environments, you will need a computer, a phone and a desk to complete your job. All of which will be provided after your first year of work, until then you must provide your own. However, this job does have a few perks not mentioned in your employee handbook: a gotcha sandwich, a headache, and non-existent medical benefits.
A.S.S. #2: Landlords
You gave a rental deposit for an apartment. And you expected the landlord would return the complete deposit when you vacated the apartment, as long as it was in the same condition as when you moved in. Will this happen? No, because the landlord being the little worm that is he is will try to swindle you out of a significant portion for no other reason than he can. It will take 3 rounds of nasty emails, holy water, citing the signed contract, and a rabbit's foot, before the landlord agrees to give back what was already yours.
A.S.S. Enablers:
I've come to the conclusion that the people that create these situations fall into 3 categories: old and bitter, young and spiteful, or delusional. Please do the world a favor -- see a therapist or go into isolation. Everyone should not have to pay for your hangups. Mostly, stop doing the shitty thing simply because it's within your power. Just do the right thing.
After 5 rounds of interviews including a 20 page written test, a piece of your soul and a pay cut, you've agreed to accept the job. You start and you've realized that your position has changed from Communications Manager to Receptionist/Accountant/Security Guard. But you roll with with it, there probably was a typo on the job description and your offer letter. At least the new gig has awesome benefits. After all you were told you have 15 vacation days, but will soon discover you have 7 and they can only be used in February or September, and you cannot take consecutive days off or odd number days. Also, in the event that you leave the organization, you will not be paid out for unused vacation, which technically violates DC law, but who follows that.
Per the employee handbook you believe your work day starts at 9:30am, but are soon informed that you need to be in at 7am as your boss is a morning person and you cannot leave for 12 hours because it's important that your salary equals about $8.50/hr after taxes. At least you get an hour reprieve for lunch or so you think. Although you technically have an hour, you can only take 30 minutes and if you wish to eat lunch with a coworker (or anyone else) it must be approved in advance by your supervisor. If you cannot find your supervisor to obtain approval, then you cannot eat lunch off-site. Cheer-up, you never bring a lunch, so think of all the calories and money you will save.
As in most work environments, you will need a computer, a phone and a desk to complete your job. All of which will be provided after your first year of work, until then you must provide your own. However, this job does have a few perks not mentioned in your employee handbook: a gotcha sandwich, a headache, and non-existent medical benefits.
A.S.S. #2: Landlords
You gave a rental deposit for an apartment. And you expected the landlord would return the complete deposit when you vacated the apartment, as long as it was in the same condition as when you moved in. Will this happen? No, because the landlord being the little worm that is he is will try to swindle you out of a significant portion for no other reason than he can. It will take 3 rounds of nasty emails, holy water, citing the signed contract, and a rabbit's foot, before the landlord agrees to give back what was already yours.
A.S.S. Enablers:
I've come to the conclusion that the people that create these situations fall into 3 categories: old and bitter, young and spiteful, or delusional. Please do the world a favor -- see a therapist or go into isolation. Everyone should not have to pay for your hangups. Mostly, stop doing the shitty thing simply because it's within your power. Just do the right thing.
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