12 for 2012

One year my goal was to be 5'2" or 5'8" by the end of year. I reasoned that I would be short enough to date the guys who would never grow to be more than 5'5" + still wear heels or I would become too tall for munchkins to hit on me and if they did I could just peer down at them. In 2005, I wanted a boyfriend and that worked out even better than my height ambitions, just ask my best friends or look at my Xanga. At 23, I wanted to learn how to fly and did when I jumped out of a plane with a navy seal attached to my back. As for this year, I wish I could say my objectives have become more mature, but if 2011 has taught me anything, it's not to take life so seriously. So here we go...
12. Shhhh. I will learn to whisper. Some (cough nisha) say this is setting myself up for failure, but I'm sure there is a "how to" somewhere on the interwebs and other people do it...so how hard can it be?
11. Experience the rainbow. Well, more of it. I want my dating resume to resemble a United Color of Benetton ad, last year I wanted a Ginger (and I got one - I'm glad your wife turned out to be a lesbian, sir). This year I want: an Indian, a Russian, someone who knows sign language, and a midget. If I could find all of these wrapped in one that would be ideal.
10. Un-be-weaveable. In an effort to become more self-sufficient I will learn to to weave my own hair. Once I can do this, I can move anywhere in the world and always look fabulous. South of France anyone?
9. New years eve do-over. I want to dance and sweat and laugh and look good doing it. And I want my night to end with a doner kebab.
8. Kebab machine. I want my own. I hope they come with monthly meat deliveries.

7. BlogHer. I've been wanting to hit this up for a while - a conference for women who blog. Contributions to my cause are welcomed.
6. Yoga. I have a feeling this will probably undermine #5 on the list, but will assist me with #11.
5. Woopsies. I have a knack for finding the most random ways to accidentally inflict bodily harm - remember the cheese grater and my knee? I vow to lose this aforementioned talent.
4. Austin. Ever since I had an 8 hour layover in Texas on my way from DC to North Carolina I have been convinced it must have more to offer than the mullets I saw at the airport bar.
3. Idaho. I still have not gone potato digging and I need to go while I'm still agile enough to dig. Also, I believe this place houses mormons, which I've always wanted to play with.
2. Blow the dust off my passport. I have a lot more places to get lost in and several more foreign hotties to make memories with.
#1 Surprise myself. I haven't done this in forever. Here's to hoping I can still shock myself.

Toothless at 26.

Loosing your tooth at 4 = YAY.  Loosing your tooth at 26 = WTF.  As an adult I've discovered the Tooth Fairy is a real b*tch when you grow up. She no longer leaves money under your pillow, which I'll forgive, considering I made-out like a bandit during elementary school. But given my attachment to my front tooth, I would have settled for a new tooth or dental insurance under my pillow. After all, I lost the tooth in a manner that paid homage to all Tooth Fairies-  while smiling and going into a split.  And to my dismay no new tooth has appeared. And I realized for the rest of my adult life I would have to laugh like this...

At least with my new laugh, no one will ever be able to tell if food is left in my remaining teeth.

i am. who i am. i think.

Three months into my layover at momma duke's house and the thought of going out in nyc by myself has me more nervous than the night I lost my virginity - and that involved strawberry daiquiris, a very hot Filirican, and the "I'll try anything once" motto.

How could I be nervous?!@#! Me intimidated.

I've gone on a cruise by myself to another country where I could easily have become the next chic in sexual slavery. I've eaten pop rocks and coca cola at the same time. I lived in the hood where 8am cat calls are normal and cops are suspect. I've said Candy Man 3x in the mirror. I flirted with the creepy crackhead outside the liquor store to get a handle when I was not of proper age in this country (but plenty of others). I've removed 10 stitches from my own knee based on a youtube video. I've worn a tutu with a top that says "not everything is flat in kansas" to an indian themed party. (ok. yes. although irrelevant, i still wanted to mention it because that outfit was a HIT!)

How could one move change my boisterous nature? 2 Words: Momma Gwen. And the solution was obvious - several shots of Jamie, one train ticket, a dive bar later, and I was back to feeling like me.

All is well in the world.

Under-construction

 something clever here. soon.