I Talked To God Today

This morning I had a talk with God on my walk to work asking him why I kept meeting the wrong guy. To my shock he immediately responded.

"I sent you the short Indian guy that asked you personal questions at the stop light for 74 seconds [a listener] , the homeless guy that wanted to rub you down [a masseur], and the guy in the white van who followed you for 2 blocks and pulled over to get your attention [personal chauffeur]."

Moral of the story - the divine one may not be my best matchmaker, but a major thanks to God for being in touch with all of these men on my behalf, perhaps I should be more specific on what I want.

You dated him too?

Rule #24

Date outside your social circle that way you never have to worry about having a venn diagram situation with a friend.

Example 1:  Democrats living in DC = Date Republicans

Example 2: Black chic at school with small black population = Date white guys

Example 3: WV native =  Date your cousin's friend

It's a Conspiracy.

Rule #23

Dresses with a zipper in the back are for people in relationships or people who continuously have a one-night stand that can zip them up in the morning.  If you can't pull it up or rip it off without contorting your body like a gymnast, don't buy it.

This is a real conversation.

#1 This is a real email thread.

#2 This conversation may be offensive.

#3 Names have been changed for obvious reasons.

From: LemonLime
To: JewBear, WhispersLoud
Date: Wed, May 19, 2010 at 4:26 PM

Subject: You two have to meet and fall in love!

JewBear this is WhispersLoud she wants to have half Jew and half Black babies with spanish/muslim/jewish names.  Also she loved the pic of you in the pope outfit.

WhispersLoud this is JewBear you will love him forever!

On Thu, May 20, 2010 at 12:56 AM,  JewBear wrote:
Due to my epic hatred of children, might we compromise and settle on a half Jew/half Black abortion? That's something I can totally sign on to, without even having ever exchanged a word with WhispersLoud. Speaking of, hi WhispersLoud. I think this is going really well so far.

On Thu, May 20, 2010 at 12:58 AM, LemonLime wrote:
YOU TWO LOVE EACH OTHER AND ARE GETTING MARRIED ALREADY!

On Fri May 21, 2010 at 1:08 AM, WhsipersLoud wrote:
Deal, but i still want to have cluster fuck names passed on. I think the least LemonLime can do is give us an abortion gift certificate, they sell them right next to the chicken nuggets (aisle 3)


On Fri, May 21, 2010 at 1:48 AM, JewBear wrote:
How about we get a bunch of dogs and fuck them up as children, by giving them ethnically and culturally confusing/conflicting names, leading them to have troubled adulthoods. The great things with dogs is that you don't have to pay for college, which is a real plus for me, what with my commitment to Judaism. I guess we could also avoid paying for college by having a whole litter of mentally disabled children.

I'm game for either of these scenarios, really.

- 'Jew Bear'
 
On Sat, May 22, 2010 at 7:35 AM, WhispersLoud wrote:

I'm all for the dog idea, except for the small problem of my hatred towards dogs (which is closely akin to my hatred towards children). Thus, the only way we could have a "personified litter of mongrels with ethnic names" is if we keep them in the yard, tied up next to the barbecue pit and Olympic sized pool that I would require, directly adjacent to the full-time keg dispenser/bar complete with semi-nude half black/half jewish pool boy/bartender that answers to the name 'Channing Tatum'. 

I'm also not one to provide for college in the future, since personal experience has led me to no longer believe in the value of college.  Instead, I'm willing to fork over 20 bucks to buy our half black/half jewish (or possibly asian) daughter a skimpy sequence skirt from a bargain bin so she can begin her life as a classy escort.  Her levels of disposable income will far surmount that of a job which a college degree will get you, which in turn will allow for her to care for us in our old and senile stages of life.  If that plan fails, we can adopt an autistic child that is half native american and full gay, which will guarantee free tuition to any college of his choice.  I hear autistic kids are brilliant, so hopefully he can build us an island for free.  And since he's gay, maybe he'll be willing to still go with the $20 sequence skirt idea.

-WhispersLoud

From: JewBear 
To: LemonLime, WhispersLoud
Date: Sun, May 22, 2010 at 10:10 PM
Subject: Re: You two have to meet and fall in love!

As soon as I have the comedic wherewithal to pen something that even remotely matches WhispersLoud's last rambling screed, I shall send it right along.

I must say, though, it was sufficiently amazing where my balls are now soaking wet.

LemonLime, I now wish to move to Utah and marry both WhispersLoud and Stella Ma and have the most offensive, polygamously-raised, multi-ethnic children ever.

Also, LemonLime you should move to San Francisco where will take up a career shaving shapes into my torso hair, professionally; WhispersLoud, you too should move to SF, as I'll need help raising our gay, disabled-yet-multi-talented abortion.

-Jew bear